Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
