Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
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Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
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But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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