So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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