my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
