The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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