Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
