Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
