dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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