When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
