Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
not ubering you a puppy
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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