My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think your dad took our porno
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
