imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
