Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
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Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
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Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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