Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses youâ€
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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