Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
