I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
