I feel like abortions should bother me more
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
