So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
