Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
