By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
