I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
