the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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