does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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