She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
