Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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