She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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