so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
