I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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