OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
