I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
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you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
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Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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