billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
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they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
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I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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