Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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