I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
