I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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