I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
