i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
