the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
