My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
