awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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