I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
