Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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