TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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