ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
