We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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