dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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