i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
