So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
