Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
