FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
