You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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