I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
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Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
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Explain the King Dong next to my face.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
this is an emotional support booty call
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets