I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
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Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
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When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today