im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
