omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
