Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
