I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
