now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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