the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
