totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
