when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
dude i'm inner monologue high
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
